Everybody has heard or said, “Are you having fun yet?” It is a common, sarcastic question at work when things are not going well, stressful, facing unforeseen problems. It also seems like a great question to ask yourself about your career in general. Your life. Do you have fun doing what you do? But maybe there is a better question, one encompassing you as a human being instead of just work:
“Are you fun to live with?”
Scene I:
I was twelve years old sitting in a parochial middle school classroom. Movie time! Yeah!. A welcome reprieve from useless English grammar. The old school projector was loaded up with a huge reel. Great, going to be a long one!
The documentary film that rolled out was about a famous violinist and her sacrifices to become one of the best in the world. It was surprisingly, brutally honest. Deep dived into her family life, probing questions for her. When the movie ended, lights were turned on, the nun began lecturing us on the glories of sacrifice (Yeah, nuns love to talk about sacrifice). “If you want to be the best, you have to work harder than everyone else, and give up many of life’s pleasures.”
Being the unbearably honest little human I was, even then, I raised my hand.
“That is not the lesson I get from the movie. Her life is crap. She never gets to play with kids. She has no friends. Even her own family hates her. All just to be the best violinist?”
Scene II:
Busy raising four deeply sports minded kids, coaching many of their teams, I struggled with how to be a good parent, a good coach. It is easy to get way too intense. Fortunately, I stumbled across the movie “Searching for Bobby Fischer”. It is a movie about a young child chess prodigy, and his parents, and coaches. A highly recommended movie for all parents who might push their kids just a tad too much:
Bonnie: (the mother)
He’s not afraid of losing. He’s afraid of losing your love. How many ball players grow up afraid of losing their fathers’ love every time they come up to the plate?
Fred: (the father)
All of them!
Bonnie:
He knows you disapprove of him. He knows you think he’s weak. But he’s not weak. He’s decent. And if you or Bruce or anyone else tries to beat that out of him, I swear to God I’ll take him away.
Scene III:
Could be any of innumerable professionals today, but this is from Charles Chu in “The Tyranny of the Perfect Life”:
When I was most-obsessed with my Eight-Year Plan, I was tyrannical, self-hating, and not so fun to be around. Friends and girlfriends were to be “liquidated” if not useful for personal growth. Time not spent productively was a failure of willpower or planning. I rarely took any days off and — when I did — I did it because taking time off would help me come back later and work harder.
I tried to compress all sides myself to a single, sharp and focused point. But over-focusing also means tunnel-vision, and tunnel-vision means that much of the picture gets left out.
“Why,” a girlfriend once asked me, “do you never stop and look up at the sky?
So what?
So, it is easy to immerse yourself in work and consider yourself very happy. Though a day of reckoning may come, when work is everything, and then work is no more.
Maybe the “Fun” question could be broadened to all those you spend time with … “Am I fun to be around?” But that kind of fun can be turned on and off like a lightbulb.
I am utterly convinced that the best question is… “Are you fun to live with?” Those who live with you… spouse, children, perhaps extended family should be the best arbiters of how your life is going.
But what about sacrificing to be the best? How much would you sacrifice to be the worlds greatest violinist? The best CEO? A gold medal winner? Maybe that is worth sacrificing everything else in your life. But is it worth it, if you are only trying to be the best accountant, engineer, sales manager?
“Are you fun to live with?”