“When you go off to college, it will be your first opportunity to truly choose your friends.” … said a teacher of mine, my senior year in high school.
“I choose my friends now.”
“No,” he replied, “The friendships you have now were basically predetermined based on living in this small town, going to this small school.”
He was talking about the difference between “Friends of Circumstance” versus “Friends of Intention”.
Much truth to those words. The amount of choice I really had was limited by the small town, the smaller high school, my fanaticism for playing basketball. My best friend was the point guard. I was the power forward. We played together for seven years, almost everyday, year round. Last time I ever talked to him was less than a year after HS graduation when I came home for Christmas. I went away to college. He didn’t. My world changed. Most of my other friends played basketball too. None survived. None. Crowded out by life.
In college, the choices were broader. A lot more people, even at a small school. People from different backgrounds. And yet still, some of my best friends were people who had lived on my dorm floor. So predictable. One active choice I made was joining a fraternity. Then closer friends within that group. Predictable.
And yet again, when I graduated, moved away and began my career, those friendships slowly (more slowly than HS) melted away. I changed. We all changed. We entered our new lives. Add new work friends, and neighborhood friends. Friends from our kids activities. They crowded out old friendships from college. And then add in job movement, and the geographic consequences. Four children all born in different states. Friendships grew, but then weakened with each subsequent move.
Looking back at it all, how much choice do we really have? How accurate could a computer program have been in predetermining who became my friends? In high school, my neighborhood, school and sports were crucial factors. Add in a few personality traits of potential friends and maybe it was almost completely predetermined.
In college, again, neighborhood (dorm floor) and the fraternity choice… pop those into a computer along with personality traits… it was all so strongly predetermined. In the work world, it again became neighborhoods, and work neighborhoods. At work, those people you felt were close friends. You went to lunch together, talked every day. Socialized together. How much choice was really there in the first place?
Proximity Friendship:
A friendship that is formed when two people are put in a situation outside of their control. Most applicable when the two individuals have little in common and otherwise would not form a relationship. – Urban Dictionary
Or sometimes, what you have in common goes away. Work. For so many people, work was their whole life. And those friendships were everything. Those people you went to lunch with everyday don’t return your texts. A year goes by, not a single conversation. Don’t confuse true friendship with proximity friendship. Realize most were based on circumstance… proximity. Find new proximities. And have intention. Life is fantastic!